For some reason,I remember when Mike and I first got married. We had dated for 5 long years and I had known him for 7years. Mike had always told me since I knew him that he would like to marry early, he said if he had his way,he would be married at 26😰. I on the other hand was uncertain as to whether I wanted to even be married,I had a secret phobia for marriage, I can’t explain it because my parents who were my first hand experience of what marriage was like had and still have a good marriage. I just didn’t see myself as the marrying kind,every time I thought about marriage,I would shove the thought to the back of my mind,I would tell myself that there was plenty of time as I had till I was 35 to decide if I wanted to marry or not. Funny but this was how I felt.

Fast forward to meeting this tall,hunk of a man who would not stop talking about getting married 😒. He told me he wanted to marry me barely 8 months into being an item. Me I was ‘adonkia’ as my grandma would say about getting married. Eventually,after a long wait,we got married on the 2nd day of May 2009. The first week of married life was not the way I envisaged it would be. One of these days,I will try to explain that week😌.

So we came back to Abuja a week after marriage, we have always been friends and always been so close. But here we were,for the first few weeks,we were having misunderstandings over the smallest things. We would go the whole day without talking to each other. I had just relocated to Abuja,I didn’t know the town,I still don’t know the town o jare! I would go to the sitting room,we didn’t have furniture at this time,we had everything a sitting room should have except chairs😀😀. I love movies and books,and as I was not working  then,when we were having our quarrels,I would engross myself in movies,he would work and work out.

This frequent quarrels went on for about 3 months,we would argue over the silliest things,things that had no real substance,whenever we had our misunderstandings, he would try to talk to me,I would ignore him completely,I would only ask questions like are you ready to eat? And stuff like that. We would be talking and laughing one minute,next minute my eyes were blazing. At this point,perhaps I should confess that Mike is and has been the more level headed one of the two of us,me I was a hot head,I still am but time and being with Mike has rubbed off on me. When I get angry,I would go cold,I would not communicate per se why I was angry, I just assumed he knew. He on the other hand would assume that if there was an issue,I should explain it quietly and help him see the issue. It eventually became a Sunday Sunday tonic,I would go 3 days without talking,he would be talking to me and I would answer in monosyllables.

One day,while I was home alone,he had called me to check up on me from work,I spoke to him grudgingly yet he was so pleasant despite my aloofness. After ending the call,I thought back to the day of our formal introduction,when my dad had advised him to have lots of patience as I could be as stubborn as a mule. Then I asked myself what exactly was the reason for the frequent quarrels. I did some deep thinking,and I realized I was afraid,afraid to open up myself completely, afraid of being vulnerable, I was fighting to not lose myself,my independence,I had always tried not to rely on anyone  for anything and done virtually everything on my own terms, but here I was,realizing everyday that this marriage thing wanted more from me than I was willing to give,it required that I be vulnerable, it required that I be able to trust someone else and know that we are on the same team,it was not me against him,it was not who had more willpower to go days without talking,it was not about who won the argument or who said sorry first,it was about working and loving together.

Once I realized this,it got me! I wondered if really I had done the right thing,I wondered if I wanted to give so much of myself to someone else and risk being hurt in the process. It was a struggle,In retrospect,I realize I never actually talked to Mike about how I felt,I eventually had to ask myself if he was worth the risk and my answer was yes! What did I have to lose? I could get hurt,yes,but I could also be happy,so I took the risk,I stopped trying so hard to prove anything,I learnt to talk more,instead of going cold,I began to translate my feelings into words instead. I worked on thinking of us instead of me. It worked,it was no longer a struggle to be married,besides I was pregnant and didn’t even have energy for malice when I needed someone to buy me orobo coke every morning😝😝.

And that,was the end of the endless squabbles and malice. I grew up! So if per chance ,you are out there and experiencing the blues of being newlywed,it gets better,if you both want it to,you will learn and unlearn things,you will learn each other and find that middle ground,after all,you are both from different homes,have different experiences and different opinions😀

This is me saying to you,for everything, don’t stop working on yourself,you can be better! Be happy always you owe it to yourself😊

Image culled from www.shutterstock.com